Lines: 20
Gender: Male (or a female playing a male)
Age: Adult
Description: The “MP for Christmastown and Boxingdayville.” A natural public speaker, he slips into speeches and proclamations very quickly. His main concern is to take credit for anything positive and evade blame for anything negative that happens in Christmastown, whether he was involved or not. He is ‘posh’ (because in Christmasland, “MP” stands for “Most Posh”). Despite his self-centredness, he is a sympathetic character and treats Dot and Histamine with kindness.
Costumes: Probably a suit, although perhaps one suitable for a colourful panto. Quite possibly a big sticking-out moustache (like the bloke in the Monopoly logo).
Singing? Yes – he is earmarked to sing “Christmas is Broken” – BUT it’s possible we may divide some or all of the singing lines among the townspeople.
Dancing: As part of the song choreography.
Scene – MP Enters
The MP enters. If sensitivities allow, he might have a locally relevant comedic name.
MP: Friends, fellow citizens of Christmastown, it is I, [Comedyname] MP for Christmastown and Boxingdaysville. And [Sincerely, for the press] I am here today to express my horror at the tragic events which have occurred this very day in our poor beleaguered town. [To flunkie] What was it? [Flunky whispers in his ear] Oh I see. Really? Good Lord. Must have been a really big one to cause all that mess. All right then. To have a mouse fall on our town at this already trying time is a sad and cruel twist of fate, and will clearly alarm all the cheese manufacturers and…. [Flunky whispers again] oh, a HOUSE. What? A whole house? Well I never. OK then. Yes, well, a HOUSE, fell from the sky and landed [whisper] causing expensive damage [whisper] extensive damage. Our thoughts and prayers go out to all the victims. [Flunkie whispers in his ear] Oh there weren’t any… right. Well in that case I’m here to celebrate our immense good fortune. And the fact that our citizens have emerged unscathed is a testament to the policies and stewardship of I, [Comedyname], your local MP.
Townsperson 4: These two people and their cat were inside the house and came out when it landed.
Policeman: Is this true?
Dot: Yes, your honour.
Policeman: You can’t just go flying around in houses! It’s dangerous and not only violates Christmastown Airspace, it breaks several laws, not least the laws of physics.
MP: You mean to say you piloted this house and crash landed it in our town? This is an act of terrorism! What’s the date? [whisper] [To the press] Write this down. Local MP [Comedyname] was first on the scene in the aftermath of 26-11. (insert actual date)
Christmas is Broken
When we wrap our presents up they’re such an awkward shape
And we’ve somehow lost the end bit of the flippin sellotape
The holly isn’t jolly and it seems there’s no escape
Because Christmas is broken
When we plug the lights in they all quickly fizzle out
We hope there’s summat on tv but this year there is nowt
The turkey’s looking murky and the only veg is sprout
Because Christmas is broken
We put up decorations but they all fall down and wilt
The mistletoe’s all thistles, oh and all the wine is spilt
When we hang our stockings up they’ve all been chewed by moths
The neighbour’s friendly kids are now marauding visigoths
There’s a stain we can’t explain on all the tablecloths
Because Christmas is broken
Mariah Carey’s lost her voice and Bing has lost his croon
All the carol singers are completely out of tune
The scene of the nativity has just been vandalised
The angels aren’t angelic and the wise men aren’t so wise
The donkey’s looking wonky but it’s really no surprise
Because Christmas is broken
The snow’s not crisp or even you can barely call it sludge
The only chocolate in the box is one remaining fudge
The season of goodwill is now a season with a grudge
Cause Christmas is broken.
ORIGINAL PITCH
PITCH PLUS 2
PITCH PLUS 4
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