Lines: The third biggest part at 60 lines.
Gender: Female
Age: Adult. She claims she’s 27 but isn’t.
Description: Chief baddy, the wicked witch. Of course we want a manic laugh of some kind and larger-than-life gestures, but Grismarelda isn’t an unthinking monster, she’s quite sophisticated and articulate. She thinks evil is fun, or at least so commonplace she’s quite casual about it. She’s very cruel to Igor, her henchman (think Blackadder and Baldrick). Being on the naughty list she feels excluded from Christmas, hence her sabotage of Christmasland.
Must be comfortable with a level of crowd work; there’s a slapstick scene where she brings a kid on stage and extracts a long stringy “bogey” from the kid’s nose.
Costumes: Her most striking feature will be a LOT of hair, which will be a challenging construction as we will have to design it so it can be pulled out in clumps, leaving her bald. Think of a bald cap with clumps of hair attached, probably by Velcro. A witch outfit of as yet undetermined design, but no costume change necessary. I’m thinking long pointy nails too (as her song mentions them).
Singing? Yes – “Why am I so Naughty” is her solo song.
Dancing: No
Scene 11 – Witchcraft/Dungeon Room
Grismarelda: And this is the main witchcraft-slash-dungeon room, as you can see I’ve gone for a minimalist style. Actually this used to be two rooms which I had knocked through to make one large area, much better for rituals, summoning spirits, sacrifices, that sort of thing. Of course the flooring is new, it’s all wipe clean, much more hygienic, it can get a bit… messy. Over here we have the cauldron, of course… here’s my big chair where I like to have a snooze… and – oh yes, this is where I keep my pets. (opens curtain to reveal a cage containing several demonic monkeys, ideally kids if they are allowed to stay up until act 2). These are my demonkeys, they’re a cross breed, half demon, half monkeys you see. Demon-monkey-demonkey. I could have called them monkmons I suppose, didn’t quite have the same ring to it. Hello guys!
The Demonkeys screech and bound around excitedly.
Grismarelda: Not feeding time yet I’m afraid. Vicious little things. Be quiet! (Silences them with a wave of her wand)
Grismarelda: (To Tramp) Right! Let’s put you away for safe keeping shall we? (Gestures to Igor to have Tramp put into a ‘cell’)
Grismarelda: (As he’s being wheeled in) In you go!
Grismarelda: (To audience) Well, he won’t be fixing Christmas anytime soon now, will he! (boo!) Muhahahahah!
Igor: Mistress, can I ask you a question?
Grismarelda: If you must.
Igor: How did you end up… on the… naughty list?
Grismarelda: You know, I’ve often wondered about that….
Scene 8 – Learning to Use Her New Magic Mirror
Igor: It says it will only work if you ask it in rhyme.
Grismarelda: What? What’s the point of that…? OK, let’s think… Are you working… (struggles to think of a rhyme) look, I’m twerking? (shakes bottom, aware how poor the rhyme is)
Mirror: Yes I am, that much is plain. Please don’t shake that bum again.
Grismarelda: Well THAT was a bit cheeky.
Igor: (Reading the manual) It says here the magic mirror will always tell the truth.
Grismarelda: Oh all right. Mirror mirror… that I’ve got, I’m the fairest, am I not?
Mirror: Hear the message that I’m bringing. Sorry love, you’re really minging!
Grismarelda: WHAT? How dare you! It must not be working properly. Is it under guarantee? If it tells the truth, it should say I’m the fairest.
Igor: You’re not very fair to me. You made me eat Fish Bat Bird Tears Bogey soup. That’s not fair.
Grismarelda: Shut up! The fairest means the most beautiful. (To audience) And I am beautiful, aren’t I everybody? Oh shut up. (to mirror) Right, mirror, let’s try again, and bear in mind how easy it would be to accidentally drop you and cause a breakage. Ahem. Mirror mirror in my hand, who’s the fairest in the land?
Mirror: You think it’s you. But it is not. The fairest girl is one called Dot.
Grismarelda: Dot? Dot? What kind of name is that?
Igor: It’s to the point.
Grismarelda: I should put a full stop to Dot! Show me! (FX: Tinkly noise, Igor and witch look into mirror)
Grismarelda: Eeeew look at her. Bouncing along the A64, all pure and cheerful. How nauseating. Oh and look she’s got some sort of oversized cat with her. And what on Earth is that great big monstrosity?
Igor: It’s a robot.
Grismarelda: No, next to the robot. Oh it’s a woman. At least I think it’s a woman. And… wait a minute, who’s that? (They both squint and move closer to the mirror) Is that…?
Igor: It’s him.
Grismarelda: It’s him! Oh no no no no no no no no! Where are they all going? Mirror mirror, all seeing all knowing, where are all these people going?
Mirror: To a city bright and clean, to seek the wish come true machine.
Grismarelda: Gahhh! They’re coming to the city!
Igor: (To audience) What’s the city called? (audience responds)
Grismarelda: Yes, yes. I know that. Igor, they’re going to take him to the wizard! This could mess up all my plans and bring Christmas back. I have to stop them! Fetch my transport!
Igor: Your broom is broken, Mistress.
Grismarelda: Is it? How did that happen?
Igor: You hit me on the head with it.
Grismarelda: Ah yes (briefly recalling a fond memory) what a fun day that was. (Snapping back) Never mind, I’ll use the vacuum cleaner. Let’s go!
Why am I so Naughty
Why am I so naughty
I was never intellectual or sporty
The only skills I had
Were being devious and bad
And when I got in trouble, well, it made me rather glad
Why am I so naughty?
I like it being ugly and warty
Did my parents treat me cruel
Was I victimised at school?
Maybe I just like the look, the nails are really cool
Was I dropped on my head as a baby
Am I just a little mad? Well, maybe
Why am I so naughty?
Maybe I will change when I’m forty (I’m 27!)
Maybe I was born this way
And I’ve got naughty DNA
Perhaps it was my upbringing? Well really who can say?
I’ll give my magic wand a twirl
Because I’m such a naughty girl
ORIGINAL PITCH
PITCH PLUS 2
PITCH PLUS 4
PITCH PLUS 6
PITCH MINUS 2
PITCH MINUS 4
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