Audition: Igor
Lines: 54
Gender: Male, but could be played by a woman
Age: Adult but any age
Description: The baddy’s henchman. A fairly open brief on how it could be played – could possibly be a horror-film style henchman, hunched, speech impediment etc, but could equally be a more human but downtrodden Baldrick type. Your interpretation is welcome! Igor is the witch’s assistant but also her punchbag. Eventually he rebels and leaves her, and joins the goodies. Some comic timing and physical humour during the witch’s ‘haircut’ scene.
Costumes: Currently open to ideas. Probably a bit medaeval.
Singing? No
Dancing: No
Audition: scene 4
Grismarelda…. What do you want, Igor?
Igor: I’ve brought your shopping, mistress.
Grismarelda: Ah, good. More ingredients for my recipe. (reading from book on stand, next to cauldron). Now let’s see. fin of fish, eye of bird, dead bat. Did you get fin of fish?
Igor: Um, not exactly. (reaches into shopping bag and produces box of fish fingers) How about finger of fish?
Grismarelda: Close enough. Here. (takes fish fingers and puts in cauldron. Cauldron makes noise, possibly burp) What about eye of bird?
[Igor takes out another identical box of fish fingers.]
Grismarelda: Igor, that’s an identical box of fish fingers.
Igor: Yes mistress.
Grismarelda: How is that eye of bird?
Igor: It says so on the box. Look. Birds Eye Fish Fingers.
Grismarelda: I suppose that’ll have to do. (puts in cauldron) Now, what’s next. Did you get the dead bat?
Igor: Kind of. (Produces cricket bat). Well, it’s not alive.
Grismarelda: Do you know what’s next on the list? An idiot’s tears.
Igor: They don’t sell those in Tescos.
Witch. We’ll just have to make our own. Stand still. (Takes bat and hits Igor on head with it)
Igor: (starts crying) You’re always so cruel to me mistress!
Grismarelda: Great, keep going (produces cloth which we have already pre-wetted so it can be wrung out, and gathers Igor’s tears. OR if we can rig up something so tears squirt out of Igor’s eyes, that would be great)
(Witch thinks of things to say which may upset Igor, which becomes a litany of cruelty)
Come on, more tears! Remember that time I pulled the head off your teddy bear?
Igor: Waaaah!
Scene 11
Robot: I will neutralise the threat! (Advances on Igor)
Igor: Stop! I’m on your side! It was me who gave you the note! (Hist grabs Robot to prevent him attacking)
Histamine: Oh thank goodness!
Igor: How did you get in?
Histamine: We made a hole in the wall, down the corridor, that way (points off stage). Can you let these two out?
Igor: Yes, but it won’t do you any good, for a start Santa can’t move.
Histamine: So he IS Santa!!
Dot: Durr!
Igor: And when she finds out you’re gone, you won’t get far before she uses her magic to come after you.
Histamine: Well…what can we do?
Igor: You have two options; kill her or take away her powers!
Dot: Kill her!
Histamine: We can’t kill her! We’re the goodies!
Dot: Kill her!
Histamine: No! How do we take away her powers?
Igor: It won’t be easy. But I know how. You see, Grismerelda’s power is in her hair!
Histamine: Her hair?
Igor: Yes that’s why she’s got so much of it. Cut her hair off and she’s powerless!
Histamine: Is that normally how witches work?
Igor: In her case, yes.
(The sound of a toilet flushing. The witch is on her way back)
Igor: She’ll be back any second! She’s tired after doing too much magic, if we’re lucky she’ll sleep in that chair.
……
Some visual comedy with Histamine and Igor behind the witch. They’re panicking a bit
Igor: (Whispering to Hist) Is that enough?
Histamine: (whispering) How do I know??
Igor: (whispering) Rub it in!
Histamine: (whispering) YOU rub it in!
Igor (whispering) YOU rub it in!